1.24.2008

Gone

Smell of cigarettes

Of pure tobacco pipe

Of cologne and finery

Hear the music wafting

In the air so sweet

As he sings

Devil may care

Saying goodbye

To someone who means

Means something that I cannot

Label tag and define

The epitome of a hopeless romantic

An artistic soul

A friend

And yet as I pull away

I see nothing

not the road

The lines or lights

Just a blur

As tears fall and sobs commence

Perhaps he is more than that

A symbol for what I wish I was

Or wish I had

I wipe the tears

The mascara lines

And make a face

Of happiness

For the one which I love

Who is unsure of this

Who does not believe

in the unconditional

he can’t understand

that I can love someone else

if only as a friend

I suppose I’ll fake it

For the sake of security

And commitment

Hopeless romanticism

Bound within and kept quiet

Never let it out

Until I explode

Guess we’ll see what happens

Harsh realization pt. 2

Back when I thought I rocked
The world seemed so much brighter
Then I realized I have got to be
Simply the worst writer ever
And I think it makes it worse
Because I thought I was amazing
I thought to myself
This laureate isn't fucking anything
That's why he's famous
And I'm fucking nothing
All the shit that I thought had meaning
Is empty and childish and vague
I thought I could hold my own
With the Vikings, and Irish, and Rock stars
What was I thinking?

Harsh realization

Sitting here now

I’m so different

From the lies the pain

The girlish fantasies

I’ve gone without

I’ve held my own

Against the cold

The world at large

And now I know

That none of this shit

Is any good

And none of this shit

Even matters

I thought I was something

I’m horribly not

Not anything to be relished

Shit smeared walls

Cracked asphalt

A mirror thrown and fragmented

For no fucking purpose

They dissed on me for a reason

They told me the truth

And I was too naïve to see

It was just so simple

To say that the world was wrong

And I was right

Well now I know

The world is right

I am horrible

And my rhymery is out of tune

And my themes are skewed and broken

And my fucking pen and paper

Could be tossed without remorse

I’m nothing that I thought I was

Instead I’m fucking horrible

Let the game begin

Sun baked or freeze dried
Three chances in a whirlwind
Diamond cutouts of a truth
Hidden in shade and uniformity

Jarred and jumbled bass, I understand
High and low intensities from in front
Flailing limbs I'll never get
somehow they all do

White lines solidifying dirty green
memories Childhood and stand tall
Individual isolation in a crowd
Pig parts and shoes in bread
Fizz topped with a cap

Falling with control, such clumsy grace
Love, hate, pride, certain failure
Let the game begin

Stand

Dreaming of this life

I think it’s different

There should be a guitar

Or a avalanche of ideas

Some intellectual merit

Giving meaning to existence

At least meaning to ours

By and by we sit and think

Eternally falling and reborn

There instead lies electric misfortune

An intellect never expressed

Life unfulfilled and greased

Got to have more than that

After so long of simply

Being can’t there be a deepness

Ethereal, poetic or otherwise

Something to get me through

Turmoil in my mind

Uneasy whirlwind heartbeats

Dreaming of another life

Another place

The other road in the wood

Not the one I took

I am content where I stand

Yet long to be somewhere far

And there’s no one to catch me

If I choose to fall

Ground into dust

And there’s no one to support me

But myself and my ambitions

Empty notions of an empty mind

I keep this path I’m on

Close to the edge of happiness

Love, peace, and understanding

Insecurities are comforted

Nonsense put aside

True there isn’t deepness of my kin

But there’s so much more

Today at least, this is where I stand

Night and Day

Ebony blanket wrapping me so tight
feels velvety soft on scented skin
Drifting to sleep and waking
on the milky way, creamy embrace
Celestial goddess with glittered hair
Worshiped by few feared by many
Feel not lost in her bosom
Tremble not with her touch
for she is only as big
as you let her be, or as small

One needs only to cast away the fleece
and awake anew
to a turquoise smile
and tanned soles
A gentle smile in the breeze
Life like figures in a marble of green
and white and blue tossed
by ethereal winds and
ultimately within my palm

Defense Mechanisms

Where were these things

When I was younger

These defense mechanisms

Seem to ripen with age

What used to be

Such empty clutter

Now there are props

To a rather grandiose stage

Velvet curtains hid my

True intentions skewed

The fancy lighting

Seems to brighten beige

Which is my creativity

Lost to open sea

Raped of all its uses

Now I’m empty

Devoid of thought

Wrapped in ancient gothic cloth

So no one can ever see

How useless I’ve become

How scared and cast aside

My naivety has taken its toll

And I’m naked underneath it all

A scared little girl

Thrown out in the world

But given no means to survive

No wings do I have

To fly from this nest

So I must crawl instead

Thank god for illusions

I’ve cast mine well

Smoke and mirrors and such

Thick trimmings

And lighting and fancy technology

It’s new to me

Where were these things

When I was younger

These falsities

Seem to ripen with age

Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken

Shaking under stress

Seems my trembling mind’s asleep

Waiting in anticipation

Of the big event

Seems it’ll never come

I am you

More importantly

You are me

This gun’s to both our heads

Never mind whose hand it’s in

The end result’s the same

Brain matter on a sea of glass

You’re finally out of my head

God forbid you ever come back

Even through blood

There’s clarity

My mind feels more solid than before

And I can see through the cataracts

To a place where I…

Explosions ravage the night

My alter-ego’s farewell show

And as I hold this lovely devil’s hand

I fall

Deeper and faster

Into the black abyss

That used to be my soul

Circling

I want forever

Does it have to start now?

I want forgiveness

I want freedom

I want to be the one

For everyone

I want to climb a mountain

And fall into the clouds

Ride them in ecstasy

And never look down

I want to share my heart

And mind

Without consequence

Dive into whatever this is

And never look back

If only it were possible

To have everything you wanted

The best of both words

My seperality colliding in peace

The one I love

The one I…

No words to be spoken

Nothing to be said

These emotions too blended

In my head, for a meaning to arise

For a word to fit

I think he feels the same

The meanings keep repeating

The words are never still

And yet there’s no conclusion

And I doubt there ever will

We’ll keep this dance going

The music and the beat

Wrapped in all the things we can’t be

Hidden in the words that’ll never be uttered

Comforted by the fact

That there are no facts

No reasoning, no rhythm of life

Just the two of us, or three

If you want to be honest

If it were only two we’d know by now

The ending to this charade

But there’s no conclusion

And I doubt there ever will

Be

1.20.2008

Believe in me

Say you believe
You believe in me
Can't you say you
Say you believe

Fuck society
And these unbelievers
I'm pissed to the point of givin up
Its just repeating time now

He took the only thing I loved
when he left this place
For a death sure to come
All for a simple girl
Who couldn't make him fly
Couldn't make him fly

He never knew
Never knew the way I felt
And its too late now
All for a simple girl
Who never
Could never make him fly

Say you believe
You believe in me
Can't you say you
Say you believe

Fuck society
And these unbelievers
I'm pissed to the point of givin up
It's just repeating time now

Sprinkle sprinkle pixie dust now
Take my love
And fly into the night
Find the place you've been wishin for

Don't you know Pan
She can never make you fly
And you'll get sick and die
All for a simple girl
Who can never make you fly

You could have stayed
And loved and laughed
And shared the neverland with me
Instead you give at all away
Give it all away for a simple girl
Who can never make you fly

Say you believe
You believe in me
Can't you say you
Say you believe

Fuck society
And these unbelievers
I'm pissed to the point of givin up
It's just repeating time now

Say you believe
You believe in me
Can't you say you
Say you believe

Say you believe
You believe in me
Can't you say you
Say you believe

Side cast illusion

Side cast illusion

I almost gave up everything

Not that it would have mattered

You’re a legend, untouchable

The kind of person everyone loves

Or loves to hate

Are you even real?

Did the time I remember even exist?

Was there ever any chance

Where would I be now?

Would I even be?

So many questions never to be answered

Smoke rings and gasoline

I’ll remember you forever

Do you even remember my name?

Or face

Or the way I made you feel

Did I even make you feel at all?

I doubt it

Wrapped in rhythm and rhyme

You’re bullet proof

A rock star

Eternal and faulted

Aren’t we all?

Another stepping stone

Another shadowy enigma clouded by mystery

Some sort of midnight matinee

Never let anyone in

Never let them see

Hide the tears you once shed

You’re stronger now

Tell myself again and over

First thoughts with actual meaning

Since ones so full of anger

Of rage and of raw unfiltered passion

So full of me

Where is that person now?

Trapped with your memories

Caged in that moment

Locked away where she can’t be touched

Or resurrected because I know

That I want her back

If only just a little

In another life

In another life I’d be there

Kissing the acrid thc

My frozen feet held tight

Caution to the wind

With a guitar in hand

In another life I’d be there

Free to be me

Wild and expressive

Maybe I’d write more than just trash

In another life

I wouldn’t think about consequence

I’d drink and fuck til the sun came up

And then I’d do it again

In this other life

I’d have a lover who could be

Just that

And break these binding chains

Which hold me back

In another life

I’d care what no one thought

Not even my own conscience

I’d be impulsive

But I’d be me

This other life

It’d be the best thing that I ever did

This other is just an illusion

A dream for me

I’ll always know

It could have been reality

1.11.2008

Leaving

His eyes burn
Into my soul
Searching and finding
Things I never knew where there
As he serenades
To a lover lost
A part within
Wants a serenade for me
Girlish fantasies
Never realized
And even if he never leaves
These things cannot be
Too many complications
Too much on the line
I feel something deeper
Stirring within
Than I would for a friend
Less than a lover
None of this shit
Even matters
My heart's already crushed
He's made up his mind
As he disappears into the night

1.10.2008

This is how it should be

Caresses
Moments
Lost in time
Space
And
Energy
Falling
Into
Depths unseen
Loving
Dying
All there is
Your heart
Mine
Perfect Rhythm
Insync motions
More than robots
Less than angels
Thoughts unspoken
Buried underneath
My crushing pride
And you can't see
Say you can't feel
What you should
Holding you soft
Caresses fall
On velvet eyes
Wavering and solid
Incompletely complete
And I know
And you know
This is how the world should be